One of your tallest, most foreboding mountains to scale in foster care is “Trust Mountain.” The hike up can be especially treacherous with teenagers! It takes grit, planning, patience, and a copious amount of tenacity to establish two-way trust with some kids.
If it’s time to pull up your big boy (or girl) pants to negotiate the ominous switchbacks, boulder fields, and thunderstorms up ahead, here are some trail tips to propel you forward in your quest to trust and be trusted.
- Be a steady, dependable presence. Maintain routines as much as possible so kids know when they should be where, and then be sure to show up when you say you will. Give them advance warning when there are late-breaking changes in plans. Use text messages well and wisely to communicate your unflinching commitment to them.
- Validate their emotions. Allow them to speak their mind. Practice active listening and conquer the temptation to interrupt. Communicate honestly that you’re sorry this happened and that you’re feeling this way. Don’t prematurely put on your fix-it hat; be there to listen, process, and work through dicey situations and relationship issues. When necessary, gently let them know if their behavior isn’t agreeable or acceptable but lace your communication care and support. Let them know that sharing with you is safe.
- Give them a voice. Invite them into family decision-making, big or small, to build their sense of responsibility and belonging in the family. This will also grow seeds of dignity and respect. Think grocery shopping lists, meal planning, ideas for family outings, games to play and even family rules and consequences.
- Have patience. Lower your expectations and increase your prayer of compassion and endurance for the timetable your foster child may face in learning to trust you. You will need to allow for past traumas and experiences that obstruct your teenager from trusting.
- Create a safe environment. Many times, safety is what your kids have not been afforded. And thus, they are in your care. Do everything in your power to provide physical and emotional safety. Make sure that anything toxic or usable for self-harm is inaccessible. Keep firearms locked away. In short, conduct an adolescent version of “baby-proofing” your home. Make sure their bedroom and bathroom feel safe and inviting (think lighting, sound system, computer, television). Decide if good safety will require you to place certain devices in public areas of your home. For emotional safety, establish clear boundaries about the way family members talk to your teen and the way your teen talks to family members. Work on habits of warmth, acceptance, and hospitality, always marinated in unconditional love. Let them know you plan to make this a safe place for them. Be intentional in expressing this aloud.
- Respect their background. Explore their history and culture—favorite foods, unfamiliar holidays, religious practices. Research how these may differ from yours and talk about that openly. Connect with local cultural groups, neighbors, and events to help you in this venture. Be aware of important dates and milestones and invite them to discuss and decide how much of their cultural background they’d like to incorporate into everyday life.
- Practice unconditional love. No one can love perfectly like God Almighty, who is Love. But show them the values found in 1 Corinthians 13 (“the love chapter”) in everyday action–in the mundane things, in hectic schedules, at sports events, and in heartache and difficulties. Be steady and consistent in showing them that God is still God, and you will be there for them and love them the best you can, always.
- Show yourself grace. Accept the fact that you’re not perfect; there will be good days and bad days. Extend grace to yourself as you navigate trust issues. Don’t be surprised when their baggage surfaces, not when their baggage collides with yours and triggers you. Be ready when your teen pushes your buttons and sets you off when you least expect it. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Be humble and ready to apologize and show them that you are for them. Coach and guide them gently but intentionally to trust you and to acknowledge your trust in them.
The towering Trust Mountain before you is not one you can bypass or ignore. It’s a mountain that needs to be climbed. It will take hard work and determination, but with Christ on your side, all things are possible (see Matthew 19:26). Rely on Him to guide you and direct you in the challenge.
Don’t doubt yourself on the climb, and give yourself permission to take time out to refresh and regroup when necessary, even long soaks in the bathtub. Remember the importance of quality self-care. Don’t forget that your teen’s pain comes from places you may never understand or see. Run to Scripture for guidance and encouragement, and ask God to show you ways you can heal hearts and build trust. Then be amazed at the view from the summit of ‘Trust Mountain’ when your teen learns to trust God and you!
