Parenting foster children who have come to your home from trauma, neglect or abuse is likely the hardest work you will ever do. It requires you to have a wide variety of tools in your parenting toolbox, including self-care strategies. Without healthy, meaningful self-care, you will be operating at a deficit that can lead to burn-out, relationship struggles, and feelings of inadequacy in your foster experience.
Obstacles: What’s Stopping You?
Before we explore meaningful self-care strategies, let’s take a look at four common reasons foster parents simply do not or will not even consider using them.
“I don’t have time for that.”
Just the thought of being intentional about carving out “me time” amid an insane schedule can add to many peoples’ stress level!
“I can’t leave the kids; they need me right now.”
Many foster parents are drawn to the work of fostering because they have naturally generous care-giving personalities. But it’s often difficult to direct that generosity and nurture to caring for your own needs.
“I need to be at that game, that play, that party, that activity with my kids.”
Closely related to the need to be the nurturing provider for your foster kids is the desire to create healthy, loving family experiences for them. This can leave precious little room in your schedule for time to breathe, re-focus, and refuel yourself.
“I’m so exhausted, I don’t even know what I need.”
When you’re physically and emotionally spent, it’s difficult to figure out what steps you need to take to recharge your batteries. When you are depleted, it’s hard to think clearly enough to seek meaningful self-care.
The Bible directs us to love others “as we love ourselves.” Clearly, it should come naturally to love ourselves well. But many busy foster parents place self-care low on the priority list, dwelling on the reasons above.
The only way to combat the tyranny of the urgent and address the excuses cited above is to be intentional and deliberate about loving yourself better.
Six Self-Care Ideas
Consider getting serious about:
Using Respite Care
Respite is just what it sounds like. It’s a break for some rest. In fact, the dictionary definition is “a short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant.” You might think it sounds horrible to call fostering a child “difficult or unpleasant,” but it can be. That is what makes a foster parent so special. They often do difficult and unpleasant things on a daily basis and then go back for more, all for the love of a child.
Respite is typically provided by the placement agency. The amount of time allowed per month is determined by the state or agency. Use it. Schedule it. Plan for it. If you do not want to hand your foster child over to another unknown person, then make sure you have some appropriately-credentialed respite available within your family or friend circle.
Attending to your physical health
It takes a lot both emotionally and physically do be a foster parent. Yes, you need to be physically able to keep up with kids, especially if you are fostering toddlers or kids with special needs who seem to move constantly. However, keeping your body healthy is also the number one way to keep your brain functioning at peak. Work on dropping excess weight slowly and steadily. Avoid turning to high-sugar, high-carb foods for comfort during stressful times. Make time for a workout – especially when things are not going well with your foster kids; releasing endorphins will enhance your mood and reduce your stress level.
Prioritizing your sleep
For foster parents, consistent, good sleep is not always possible. Some foster parents are fostering new babies, or are fostering new babies who are drug exposed, medically fragile, and sleep very little. Others are fostering children with emotional issues that cause sleep disturbance. For all of these reasons, consistent sleep, especially when you have a new foster placement, can be difficult. However, there are a few things you can do to make sure you are getting enough rest. Consider:
- Sleeping when your foster child sleeps (like a newborn schedule)
- Using nursing care when available for medically complex kids
- Going to bed earlier when a spouse is still awake
Journaling
Being a foster parent may bring up all kinds of unexpected emotions. Journaling is a great way to get your thoughts out on paper and identify the ones that are causing your emotions. Journaling in foster care is also helpful in tracking behaviors and incidents.
Tapping into Support Groups
Foster and adoptive parenting presents a unique and complex set of challenges. Without adequate support, foster and adoptive parents can feel isolated, become overwhelmed with the needs of their foster and/or adoptive children, and even decide to quit fostering. Support groups decrease the feelings of isolation, help parents feel understood, and provide a space for foster and adoptive parents to discuss their unique challenges with people in the trenches with them.
Exploring counseling and coaching
When you think about the role that counseling plays in the foster care scenario, you typically think about counseling for the foster child for trauma. But counseling can also be extremely valuable for foster parents as well. Parenting a foster or adopted child can be emotionally challenge and even traumatizing. And it is often extremely stress-inducing. Counselors and coaches with expertise in this area can be invaluable resources.
If you’re already a foster parent, or you’re planning on fostering soon, place a priority on self-care. It will not only improve your parenting effectiveness, but also help your whole family build healthy habits that will last a lifetime.
