One minute they’re getting along and the next minute they’re at each others’ throats. Conflicts between brothers and sisters, otherwise known as sibling rivalry, erupt in every home. But introducing foster kids to the family mix intensify the hitting, grabbing, name-calling, and other inappropriate behaviors.
Here are some ideas to consider as you help your children relate in a healthy, constructive way with one another.
1. Remember that when you decided to be a foster parent you did so with a commitment to love and care for your foster child as if they were your own. This sounds good—until the first fight between your bio child and foster child. Work diligently to be fair and objective.
2. Realize that all children fight. It’s not the foster child or the bio child who’s always wrong. Jealousy is a large part of sibling fights. The bio child is jealous because this new child came in and took a big chunk of your attention. Or they get jealous that the new child has so many people—like case workers and counselors—who spend “special time” with the new child. Meanwhile, foster children are jealous because they’re longing to be with their own bio family. They might not see the new family as being theirs. The foster child may see any attention given to the bio child as being more than what they get.
3. Understand that the foster child has come into your home with an invisible suitcase that your bio child will likely never understand. But it’s not the bio child’s responsibility to understand the foster child’s background. It’s yours. Understand and explain each child’s unique needs to the others with a goal of helping the children see each other as people who deserve to be understood and appreciated.
4. Establish and enforce house rules about sharing as well as respecting the belongings of others.
5. Schedule special one-on-one time once a week with each child, out of the home if possible. This way each child will knows that they will have their own time.
6. Keep chores and responsibilities as even and fair as possible.
7. At Christmas and birthdays, make sure gifts and special items are as similar in price or quantity as possible. When children are small, they struggle with understanding that their birthday will be coming too—so on your bio child’s birthday, have a gift for the foster child, particularly if they haven’t had a birthday in your home yet.
8. Coach extended family members in relating to the children, scheduling special times with them and buying gifts for them. If they appear to favor one over the other, gently remind them that the other child needs care and attention too.
9. Convene family meetings to openly talk about how the children are doing, and to hear their concerns and answer their questions. Use a timers to make sure everyone gets the same amount of time to talk.
10. Really listen to your children. If they say something is happening, check it out, even if you’re convinced this could never happen in your home.
11. Have fun together. Go out for ice cream, take a walk outside, or go see a movie – everyone, all at once.
12. Use respite or family for breaks for everyone. Have all the children go somewhere at the same time to allow yourselves a chance to refresh and regroup.
13. Most importantly, be sure to love with everything you have. You cannot love a child too much.
