All foster parents—and fostering situations—are not all created equal. Everyone’s different. But here are ten basic, practical tips that will help to give you a leg up from day one!
- Lavish extravagant love. It is way more important for a kid to know they are loved than it is for your heart to stay intact. Don’t straddle loving them and knowing they could leave any time by holding back a little. Heap attention and affection on those little ones. What if that’s the first and only time they were loved that much?
- Have people in the wings to help. You have no idea how much can go sideways in the span of five minutes in foster care. Caseworker needs to visit right now, and the toddlers just dumped out all the clean laundry and poured ketchup on it while you’re hearing on the phone, she’s on her way over? Baby is vomiting and you need to take the toddler to daycare and there’s a bio parent visit for the 5-year-old in an hour? You need someone, a church group, a best friend, a neighbor ready and available to step in and help with little notice.
- An 8-year-old may not look 8 years old if they have been in a high-stress environment their whole life. Some 8-year-olds are the size of a 4-year-old—wearing 4T clothes. Expect kids to not be “the right size” when they come to you.
- So…select clothing after you meet your child. A friend who runs a foster care closet brought two huge bags of clothes for a typically sized 8-year-old. The clothes were comically huge (because this kid was super small), so she had to take them all back and start over. Moral of the story: Meet the child, size them up, see what clothes they have, find out what they like, and then shop for what they need.
- However, do have basic kid stuff on hand. Since the first days and weeks with a new child are often emotional, it might be hard to get to the store. So, keep a few backups of toothbrushes, toothpaste, body wash, shampoo, hairbrushes, dino chicken nuggets, carrot sticks, juice boxes, fruit, and other kid-friendly snacks on hand. It can mean the difference between a really hard night and an easier one.
- Surround yourself with people. Foster parenting can be lonely. Plan to have friends and family available so you can text or phone them. And invite them to check in on you regularly! You’ll need moral and emotional support.
- It’s okay to say no to a placement. It might tear you up to refuse a placement, especially if you’re a people-pleaser. But sometimes you just know that a child will not be the right fit for your family. It’s okay to refuse a placement.
- Your department of family services is not always forthcoming with information. You will likely be surprised the first time you realize your caseworker is withholding information from you. You should understand ahead of time that this might happen—and that it might be for everyone’s protection. Understand that there are privacy and agency regulations you might find confusing and less than transparent.
- If you are married, make sure you maintain a date night, and if you are single make sure you take personal nights. This is where your support group is so important. Foster parenting is emotionally taxing and can leave you with something called secondary trauma. Self-care is critical if you want to avoid burnout. If you’re married, then the stress and strain can affect your marriage and it is very important to take time away from the kids to decompress and enjoy each other. If you’re single, you will need to take time away by yourself or with friends, so you don’t get lost in your children’s problems. Take care of yourself.
- Admit when your season of foster service comes to an end. Be self-aware enough to know your emotional and physical limitations. You might reach a point when you are simply finished for now. Don’t consider this a sign of weakness. For some, fostering is for a time; others serve joyfully for decades. Be okay with your decisions about your timeline and commitment.
