Part of foster care is the inevitable reality that you’ll have to say goodbye to a child you have cared for. It’s never easy. Never. Whether the child has been in your care for a weekend, a month, several months, or even years, these farewells are usually some combination of bittersweet, sad, and just plain painful.
We often worry that saying goodbye to a foster placement will be especially heartbreaking for our kids. Surprisingly, they’re often the innocent supporters of reunification. While they’re sad to see their friends leave, they can remind us how important it is to get them back with their moms and dads. In fact, it’s common to hear kids say things like, “I wish (name) could stay with us forever, but I bet his/her mom really misses them.”
Since there is no crystal ball in foster care, it’s a good idea to prepare for the goodbye from the beginning. For example, it’s a good idea to take photos and create photo books of all the special times with foster kids so you can use them to help you grieve when a child leaves. It’s always best to remain positive and focused on the goal of reunification, despite the twists and turns along the way.
Here’s another important pointer. Try to create a relationship with the biological family. Sometimes that positivity pays off—when foster families get updates from former caseworkers who run into the family or get an email or text from the biological parent with photos many months later.
Sadly, there are times foster parents need to say goodbye to a child when they feel uneasy about where the child going. Those heartbreaking, frustrating occasions can tempt you to throw in the towel. Be careful during those tough times to listen to your heart and your family’s heart. If you need a break, take one. If you need to talk to someone, you should. Being a foster parent can be emotionally draining and isolating. It is absolutely a roller coaster ride of emotions. Being aware of this and being honest with yourself is the best thing you can do, even if that means you can’t open your home for another child again or at least not right away.
Right after a foster child leaves, some families take a few weeks and try and do something special – a trip or fun night out or family sleepover in the living room, just something to remind each family member how important they are in this process.
“When we initially talked about doing foster care,” one mom said, “We knew we would have to say goodbye over and over again, and it scared us. But with each goodbye we’ve said our hearts have grown, not shattered, and we have learned that what we do with our present time is far more important than trying to predict the future.”
When a foster child arrives at the foster home no one knows how long they will be there. It’s always best for foster families to focus on one day at a time because each day that you provide safety and security for a child helps heal their past traumas, teaches them how parents should treat their children, and shows them what a special person they are.
Even during difficult goodbyes, foster parents need to cling to the fact that every moment spent providing a safe, nurturing, caring environment for a child is making a life-changing difference!
