For many foster parents, meltdown management is the most difficult and even traumatic facet of caregiving. A child’s intense response to what they perceive as an overwhelming circumstance often results in a complete loss of behavioral control, leading to an involuntary coping mechanism we call a meltdown.
While a temper tantrum and a meltdown often look the same—screaming, violent behavior, breaking things—there is one key difference. The tantrum has intention and purpose; the child is seeking control over people or situations or perhaps wants attention. In many cases it can be “turned off.”
In contrast, a child having a meltdown typically has no plan or purpose. And it needs to fizzle out on its own; it can’t be “turned off.”
When a child is melting down, their brain is simply overwhelmed. The child’s brain is completely overtaken by sensations, by environmental stimulation, going on in the moment. Children and teens dealing with neurodevelopmental disorders, mental health challenges, or a history of trauma are often vulnerable to “brain overwhelm.” When their brain is flooded with more information than they can make sense of and manage in that moment, we get a meltdown.
This is not a conscious process. It’s not something the child is deciding to do. Understanding this important fact must guide how you respond to it.
The child’s brain has become overwhelmed with information—sensory information in the environment around them, perhaps information in the form of task demands or expectations, or maybe emotional information, their own feelings or the feelings of the people that are around them. It can be anything coming into their brain that they’re not able to process or make sense of quickly enough. They get overwhelmed and start to shut down and meltdown.
Top-down Approaches Intensify the Problem
When we “do what comes naturally” in these situations, we typically pour gasoline on the problem, since we’re adding to the amount of information and stimulation coming into their brain.
- Explain or reason with the child
- Offer rewards
- Threaten punishments
- Discuss what the child needs to do
- Discuss the situation, provide verbal commentary
- Reason with the child
- Ask the child to make wise choices; offer them options
- Moving quickly, big gestures, big movements
- Loud, explosive, intense words
- Body language, angry or alarmed facial expressions
Bottom-Up Strategies That Work
The first thing you need to do is go back to the basics—address physical safety and regulation as well as emotional safety and regulation. The child needs to feel safe and connected before you can help bring their processing systems in their brain back online.
1. Remove stimulation and demands.
Think of the child’s brain as a funnel going into their brain. The funnel is full—and it’s overflowing. It’s backing up. So, one of the things we can do to help is reduce or remove stimulation:
- Turn the lights down or off
- Reduce the amount of sound and auditory input in the environment.
- Take the child to a space with less sensory stimulation
- Remove any excess stuff in the environment that their brain is having to process
- Remove all tasks demands in that moment.
2. Pursue peace.
- Slow your pace, words and actions
- Slow your breathing
- Soften your voice
- Curtail or stop talking
- Assure child of your presence
3. Offer physical comforting (if child responds well to this)
- Rub back slowly
- Firm hug and release
- Rock on your lap
After the Meltdown
After the child comes out of the meltdown mode, remember that it takes time for the brain to rebound from these episodes. Avoid the temptation to wait for the child to come out of their meltdown and calm—and then immediately try to go back into whatever the activity was or go back to “normal life.” While the child may be out of the meltdown mode, their nervous system has not completely regulated, their brain is not fully back online yet. So, realize that, depending on the child, depending on the intensity of the overwhelm, and the meltdown episode, it may take minutes to hours. During that time, give them some space, and maintain a calm, safe presence.
The more we can recognize early on when a child is starting to get overwhelmed, the more we will be able to help prevent a meltdown in the first place. But even if they go into a meltdown mode, the more we can use these tools and strategies, the more your child will be able to come out of these episodes more quickly.
