Foster parents are on a never-ending quest to get inside the mind of their precious kids. You long to get a handle on what they’re thinking and how they’re feeling. Our special holidays in November and December provide ample opportunities to explore what makes them tick and to help them build some positive, fun memories. Consider implementing these ideas this Thanksgiving!
What is Thanksgiving? When we think of Thanksgiving, most of us think about Pilgrims, Indians, a big feast (including vast quantities of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and pumpkin pie!), family fun, and football games on TV. Here’s a “teachable moment,” an opportunity to share the history and meaning of Thanksgiving with your kids! They may have never heard it. Focus on the theme “different kinds of people” coming together to celebrate and to express an attitude of gratitude. People with diverse cultures and backgrounds all having a good time being together. Make some personal applications.
Prepare Now! Realize ahead of time that Thanksgiving can overwhelm a foster child. Lots of food! Lots of people, including some strangers! Lots of situations to flex those manners muscles! Before Thanksgiving, explain what’s going to happen that day—who’s going to be there, what your dinner will be like (including the food choices), and that there will be plenty for everyone. Remember, most foster kids have food issues. Since Thanksgiving focuses a lot on food, reassure your foster children and make plans to address their needs. Get a special container and label it with your child’s name so they have their own place to store some special items they want to save for later. Set up some basic food rules, like If you want two pieces of pie, you must eat one vegetable. Don’t force the child to eat everything on their plate; respect their feeling of being full.
Explore Special Foods. Some families enjoy special foods on Thanksgiving—in addition to or in place of the traditional ones. Ask your foster kids if they remember special Thanksgiving foods—or favorites, then invite them to help prepare them for your feast!
Give Thanks. You want to make a foster kid’s Thanksgiving? Before you eat, give thanks that they are there with you, celebrating in your home. Sometimes foster kids feel like they don’t belong, that they’re outsiders at special family-only event. What a great opportunity to say good things about them and to let them know you’re thankful you get to have them with you!
Respect the sadness. Please remember that holidays can be difficult for foster kids. Holidays are family days… and foster kids typically come from troubled families. Regardless of the reasons they’re not together, kids long for their parents. Realize that at some point in the day, sadness might well up as kids miss being with their own parents, siblings, and extended families, sad they’re separated, sad because they’re celebrating and their parents are not, sad wondering if their family members are ok, or maybe even sad wondering why “their family” can’t be like this. For many, sadness and holidays go together. If the child wants to talk, be ready to explore their feelings and memories about Thanksgiving. Following the child’s lead, ask appropriate questions. Be prepared to share your empathy for things the child did not have with their bio-parents. Avoid simply declaring, “Well, you have it now” because that’s not the point. Zero in on the sadness, take time to listen, and validate their feelings. Offer plenty of hugs and a soothing, understanding voice.
Punishment. If sadness or frustration causes your child to erupt in anger or disobedience, use appropriate consequences to manage these behaviors. Don’t threaten to take away Thanksgiving activities. Recognize ahead of time that these holidays will likely bring increased anxiety and feelings, resulting in some problem behaviors. Consider some preventative activities such as engaging the child in helping to prepare for the holiday—cooking and baking with you, making decorations, cleaning with you, raking leaves. Engaging is often a more productive strategy than isolating.
Here’s hoping that this year you’ll help your foster children make some sweet Thanksgiving memories that will last a lifetime!
