Healthy Ways to Team Up with Birth Parents

To be the best foster parent, commit to believe the best of your foster child, yourself, and your child’s birth parents, and trust God to give you grace to navigate the labyrinth of unknowns you’ll encounter.

“Love believes all things,” 1 Corinthians 13:7 tells us, so the very best foster parenting requires faith to imagine that people—including biological moms and dads—can indeed become stable, loving healthy parents. God, in fact, can make all things new.

Whether it’s through reunification or adoption, our aim is long-term safety and stability for the child. Sometimes God works miracles that result in reunification, and more often than not, a key ingredient in that process is foster parents being supportive as birth parents navigate their roads to recovery.

Consider these intentional techniques and tips to build trust with birth parents.

1. Approach with Empathy and Respect—Realize that you aren’t them. Whether you are aware of how their children came to be with you, you don’t necessarily know the parents’ background, heritage, childhood, or the many things that may have led to the present. As hard as it might be, try to avoid judgment and find ways to see things from their angle. Recognize how painful this time can be for them as well as for the child and treat them with kindness.
2. Encourage and Facilitate Positive Visits—Focus on making the visits as fun and lighthearted as possible. Provide conversation starters by updating the birth parents on their child’s newest interests and hobbies and do everything possible to make the visit feel natural and positive for everyone.
3. Advocate for Services and Support—Work with the caseworker to ensure biological parents have access to resources. If appropriate, offer encouragement or suggestions to help them succeed. If done with humility (with no hint of condescension), this kind of aid can build trust and rapport.
4. Maintain Healthy Boundaries—Remember that you are not responsible to “fix” things. Rather, in your support role, make sure to follow all caseworker guidelines regarding communication and interaction, as these can vary. Also, as always, protect your own emotional well-being, being careful to avoid overextending yourself.
5. Communicate When Appropriate—If safe and within the guidelines established by your social worker, consider writing letters or providing artwork from the child. Or consider sending photos and updates about the child’s milestones and well-being. Perhaps even use a journal or an app to go back and forth between you and the birth parents for more frequent updates. Be inventive and creative about keeping them in the loop.
6. Support Reunification Goals—Show that you are on the same team by expressing hope for the parents’ progress. Be mindful to speak positively about the biological parents to the child, helping maintain their bond. One caution here—give children permission to express their feelings concerning their parents, even the negative or complex ones.
7. Prepare for Transitions with Compassion—If reunification is planned, talk to the child about it in a positive light to prepare them emotionally. Allow them to ask their questions, and answer them honestly, while validating any mixed emotions. Try to avoid expressing sadness or fear in front of them. Pack for their move intentionally, including their comfort items, favorite clothes, and photos or small items that will remind them of their time with you. If appropriate, reassure the biological parents that you want to see them succeed. Also, if permitted, let the child know how to stay in touch with you—writing, calling, texting, or an app—as this can offer them a sense of security with the transition.

As we all know, reunification isn’t always in the best interest of the child. And there are times when a child needs to return to foster care. Regardless, keeping open-mindedness toward birth parents and open arms toward their children is the way of love and believing the best of both parties. Praying blessings over the children and their parents is always a good idea. This can build bridges for better days ahead.