The weeks stretching from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day are jam-packed with family, fun, food, comfort, and joy. At least they’re supposed to be.
For those struggling with grief and loss—including foster children—the holidays can be tough. Watching others celebrate the season with warmth, togetherness, and family traditions, kids separated from their biological parents often feel lonely, vulnerable, or sad as they reflect on what they don’t have.
Here’s an amazing chance for foster families to provide a safe place for a child or teenager who wishes she could fast-forward to mid-January! Consider these dos and don’ts as you make a plan.
Do give your foster youth a heads-up before the holidays. Let him know your family’s routine—what’s about to happen, who he’ll be meeting, what events you’ll attend, right down to the idiosyncrasies of certain friends and relatives. Make sure he’s not caught off guard.
And let your family and friends know your foster child will be celebrating with you, and maybe even give them tips for welcoming and including him in the festivities.
Don’t overlook your foster child’s feelings and do understand if she pulls away. Expect that the holidays will likely be emotionally draining for her. In fact, this season may cause new feelings or behaviors to surface. Know that her feelings at his time of year might be complex, and provide help as requested or needed. Despite your best efforts, she may simply withdraw during the holidays. Understand that this detachment is a coping mechanism, not a reflection of her feelings about you. Fit in some one-on-one time, providing opportunities to talk through her feelings.
Do incorporate his traditions and customs. Explore ways your foster child usually celebrates the holidays and do your best to integrate some of these customs into your plans. Even little things will help him feel more comfortable and accepted.
Don’t make your foster youth feel unequal or unwelcome. Don’t do anything that will make her feel like an outsider or a burden. For example, be sure to keep the gift count equal. In fact, consider having a stash of extra gifts for her on hand to offset differences when friends and relatives forget to include her.
Do facilitate connections with loved ones. Whether by telephone, videoconference, or in person, help your foster child visit with his loved ones over the holidays. If this cannot be arranged, find ways to include birth families in your thoughts and prayers. If you’re making homemade gifts or Christmas cards, consider making some for his birth family.
According to a FosterClub survey, the number one reason the holidays are so difficult for foster youth is missing their families, followed by memories of the past and noticing that everyone else has family around. There’s little you can do to alleviate these painful realities, but your careful, prayerful planning can reduce their sting.
