Foster parenting can be a rich, rewarding journey—for you and your spouse, for your biological family, and for your foster child. To help you avoid unexpected pitfalls and disappointment that can surface as you embark on this adventure, here’s a rundown of some basic “need-to-knows.”
1. Let your love hang out. Don’t be tentative about lavishing wholehearted love on your foster child from day one. Don’t try to straddle freely loving them and holding back because you know he could leave at any time. Love this child extravagantly. It might be the first time this child was loved this much!
2. Be realistic about what you can handle. Do not feel obligated to accept the first placement call. As some well-thought-out questions to the worker who calls. How old is the child or sibling group? What behaviors are they struggling with? Do they have disabilities or medical needs? What’s the reason they are being removed? It won’t do the prospective foster child any good if you accept a placement you are not equipped for.
3. Document, document, document.Make written notes of everything. Whenever you talk to your caseworker, follow up with an email reiterating what you discussed and confirming decisions you made. This can save a lot of time and hassle down the road. Also, go out of your way to take lots of pictures, keep little notes or items that biological parents and grandparents will appreciate later. Considering keeping a notebook that goes back and forth to the biological family if there are visits. Keep a memory box large enough to store school papers, drawings, cards the kids give to you, and other mementos you will treasure later. Plan to hand off some of these items with the biological families or pre-adoptive homes.
4. Build a routine right away.The first month together can be tough, so drop any high expectations and realize there will likely be light at the end of the 30-day tunnel! Establishing a solid, predictable morning and nighttime routine will be super valuable for your child and for foster parents who need downtime after the kids are in bed.
5. Have your tribe ready to jump in and help.One thing you can expect in foster care is the unexpected. You have no idea how much can go sideways in the span of five minutes. You’ll need someone—a church friend, a best friend, a neighbor, a relative—available to babysit, lend a hand, or offer moral support, sometimes at a moment’s notice.
6. Pick up clothing after meeting your child.Don’t be surprised to discover that many foster children are smaller than other children their age, so you might discover that your valiant efforts to build a wardrobe for your foster child is not fruitful. And it’s always helpful to find out what items they have and what they like before you shop for clothes.
7. It’s helpful to load up on some basics before the child arrives. Be ready with kids’ toothpaste, toothbrushes, soaps, shampoo, snacks, and easy/healthy kid foods. These can make the difference between chaos and smooth sailing during those critical first days.
8. Realize that social workers are not always forthcoming with information.For any number of reasons, caseworkers often withhold information from foster parents. Sometimes it’s for your protection, other times it’s just a function of legal requirements or bureaucratic bottlenecks. Understand right out of the gate that there will be times you feel disappointed to discover you have not been given information that could be valuable to you.
9. If you’re married, schedule date nights; if you’re single, carve out personal time.You will quickly discover that foster parenting is emotionally taxing; it can even leave you with secondary trauma. You need to be pro-active about self care to avoid burning out. The stress and strain can take a toll on marriage relationships, so take time to decompress and enjoy one another. If you are single, you’ll need to enjoy some solo time or time with friends to you don’t get lost in the child’s problems.
10. Get trauma training.Most kids suffer unimaginable trauma before they are placed with a foster family. Traumatized kids do not respond to love, affection, directives, or discipline the same way other kids typically do. So signing up for a trauma training class will help you immeasurably. In addition, find out as much as you can about your child’s trauma history. You’ll need as much information as you can get your hands on to understand the child’s wounds and triggers.
11. Organize.Organize all of your paperwork and records related to care for this child—from social workers, state agencies, medical, dental, counselor, and the school. Some foster parents use Dropbox or Google Documents and share it with their caseworker. Others make hard copies of everything and file it. Some scan all documents and then keep hard copies too. You will find it extremely helpful to have these items handy and available. And you will want to pass them along to the biological family if the child returns or to pre-adoptive families.
12. Be prepared for lots of running. You will be amazed by the number of appointments, especially early on. Many children who enter foster care have not received ample medical or dental care, and the foster care system will require you to get these caught up within a specified time frame. You’ll likely be taking your child for appointments for things like vaccines, glasses, lice treatments, early intervention, dentists, doctors, specialists, caseworker visits, CASA visits, GAL visits, school and daycare registration, and ongoing counseling appointments.
Here’s wishing you a wonderful experience fostering. Your adventure awaits, and hearts will be changed forever.
