If you’re a foster parent or you’ve adopted a child, you’re tuned in to the challenge of managing difficult behaviors. So many children in the foster care system have endured tragic abuse, neglect, and trauma. The result? They often express their feelings through behaviors.
For a variety of reasons, corporal punishment—stopping an unwanted behavior by causing the child to feel physical discomfort or pain—like is not a prudent (or legal) option.
But what are some effective strategies to manage behaviors and point kids in the right direction?
Redirection. One quick and easy way to curtail a child’s undesirable behavior is redirection. For example, if a child is focused on pestering a sibling, draw the child’s attention to a different activity in another room.
Ignore the Behavior. Tough to do in many cases, ignoring behaviors can be effective. If you choose to use this approach, make sure the behavior is not dangerous to the child or others: don’t ignore a child playing with matches. But it can be sensible to ignore when a child sucks his thumb, fails to flush the toilet, or refuses to make her bed. Pick your battles.
Timeout. Here’s one of the oldest parenting tools in the book. Timeout is placing a child in a corner or on a timeout bench for a set number of minutes, ideally the child’s age plus one minute. Note that this is a poor choice for children with attachment issues; they can benefit from time-in.
Time-In. The child stays by the adult caregiver’s side for a set number of minutes, doing whatever the adult is doing. If the parent is washing dishes, the child is standing right there helping. (Only consider this discipline method if the parent is not overly stressed.)
Consult a Professional. Some behavioral issues are simply too big for a parent to handle on their own. Consider setting up weekly sessions for the therapist to work with the child or the family.
Talk with the Child About Their Feelings. One of the easiest ways to address a child’s behaviors is to talk with a child about their feelings. A child slamming toys into the toy chest is likely feeling anger. A sulking child may be feeling sad. Detached from their emotions, many traumatized children are detached from their emotions and need help identifying them through discussion.
Earning and Losing Privileges. Help children see how they can earn privileges with the right choices and lose privileges with wrong choices. Earning or losing privileges can extend to earning or losing objects or privileges.
Weekly Family Meetings. Meeting together as a family to discuss various topics can be an amazingly effective way to address difficult behaviors. Think of fun ways to allow everyone a chance to speak. Try to remain positive with the children.
Chart Behaviors. Target behaviors the child needs to work on as well as behaviors in which the child is already successful. Attach consequences (positive and negative) to behaviors. A behavior chart can very easily be turned into a token economy, with stickers earning rewards at the end of each week.
Working with behaviors is one part of foster or adoptive parenting that’s often just not enjoyable. But doing it well will help your children learn self-control that will last a lifetime.
