Many foster children don’t fully grasp the circumstances that resulted in separation from their biological families. But whether or not they have a clear understanding of the facts and emotions, most struggle with abandonment issues. The loss, grief, and fear of abandonment are not easy for a child to navigate. They resurface regularly, even when you least expect them to. As a foster parent, you have a unique opportunity to introduce healing and help. Here are seven ways you can remind these precious children that they are loved, wanted, and safe.
- Give physical touch. Rubbing your foster child’s back while reading them a bedtime story or singing to them is a healthy way to build attachment. Brushing their hair gently can also be therapeutic, maybe as a nightly ritual just before bed.
- Provide consistent routine. So many foster children have faced such uncertainty in life already that stable routine will be beneficial to them. Getting ready for school, and then after school, it’s helpful if you provide consistent times and patterns for meals, chores, fun, and bedtime.
- Create openings for communication. Be on the lookout for times and places that encourage easy, natural communication. Think shooting some hoops, working on a puzzle, baking cookies, playing checkers, or washing the car together. Sometimes kids open up naturally and easily while they’re distracted by another activity. Once you discover some favorite activities, make time to do those things together on a regular basis.
- Give positive praise daily. Even on days your child’s actions are unruly or disobedient, it’s important to let them know that, although you don’t like their behavior, you love them unconditionally. Offer hugs and words of affirmation on the hard days—and when you notice marked improvement in behavior, be quick to offer verbal praise and pats on the back.
- Cultivate a sense of belonging. Is there something special or random you have in common with your child? A skill or a common interest you’ve noticed you both have that you can point out to draw you closer? This can be a bonding opportunity and one way they can sense they are known and understood. Also, encourage your foster kids to get involved in school or community clubs and leagues to build their sense of belonging, being accepted, and a part of something bigger than themselves.
- Bolster self-esteem. Foster children often take on guilt for the faults of their parents, believing they caused their mom’s or dad’s poor choices. Some even believe they were the reason their parents left. It can be helpful to explain to them that we all make decisions in life that are good or bad, and that even adults make bad decisions. Assure your foster child that their parents still love them, but they’re not in a place to be the best parents right now. Then focus on recent school accomplishments or any personal milestones—things like learning to tie their shoes or learning to read—and tell them how lucky you are to be in their lives to celebrate these exciting achievements!
- Rehearse Bible verses before bed. Create a list of reassuring Scripture verses to read to your foster child as you tuck them into bed. Consider memorizing one at a time together and discussing what it means to you. Maybe even make up a little song or poem about a key phrase. Highlight verses about peace and safety, like Deuteronomy 31:6– “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” What an encouraging thought to leave with your child as they drift off to sleep!
